No, really. I'll pay cash.

Word of warning: when traveling for more than 1 day, count the remaining pills in the bottle very carefully. When you begin to take medication for depression, they are very serious to point out that you cannot simply stop taking them for any reason if you decide you don't want them anymore. Bad things can happen to your body. When beginning to take any new medication, you must start small and build the drugs up in your system. When you increase from a standard dose to a higher dose, you do the same thing - so when I went from 20 mg to 40 mg, I started with 20, went to 30, and eventually evened out at 40.

But life gets in the way. I was planning and packing for my week long vacation when I got the call that my father was in the hospital. My brain has been spinning ever since. So I did not count properly and as of yesterday ran out. Now, I've accidentally forgotten to take a pill here and there, with no real problems or side effects having missed one dose. But we're at day two of no meds and I'm starting to get somewhat worried - not because I think I'll go off the deep end or because I'm feeling badly, but because I know that I could start to get massive headaches and have an ever harder time dealing with my current situation unless I can somehow get the meds I need.

Also take in account that I'm not going home today - where I have a stash of 20 mg I could take. I'm currently in the Tucson Airport waiting to board a flight to Chicago. I've got to make a presentation over lunch tomorrow for around 15 people, and I'd really rather be at my best at that point, and not about to pull my hair out and scream. It's hard enough to get through these days as it is. Cut to yesterday, where I had to call my psychiatrist on her emergency line to ask her to call in an Rx to a Chicago pharmacy somewhat near my hotel. First - she's only licensed to practice medicine in California. (Duh, woman.) Second - I could have her fill the script at my local store, and they could have it transferred to a Chicago store. Great! I find a store using my smartphone, and Bob's your uncle, all things are good in Who-ville. Third - I call the store today to make sure the script will be ready when I arrive tonight, and guess what? The pharmacy is closed on the weekends. The next pharmacy? Closes at 4. My flight gets into O'Hare at 6.

The next best bet is a 24 hour pharmacy over a mile from the original store. I call them, and they are quite confused by the entire debacle. But I finally get to explain the situation, and she thinks she can help me. The only issue is that the other Rx has already been filled and charged to my insurance by the other pharmacy. Therefore, something that usually costs me $20/month will be... well, much more. I have no idea how much I'll have to pay once I get there, but I'm sure it won't be pretty. And now I know that next time, the costs of not taking enough medication with me on trips is not only stupid, but costly. Another lesson learned. Let's just hope that once I arrive in Chicago it works out. (Oh, and let's not forget that the airline I had to take to fly in & out of Tucson is currently experiencing pilot strikes which has lead to delays and cancellations this week...) The fun continues.

Pride.

With all of the s%&# going on lately, I have been wondering what I would do with myself once I actually got to my vacation. Work has been beyond hectic, and just before I left for Texas, my dad went into the hospital. I had done nothing but worry for days and days about not only what was happening to my dad 3,000+ miles away, but also what was going to be waiting for me at work after a week away. I've been overwhelmed for months and the workload just does not change. So I didn't know if I'd ever get to any real relaxation on this week off with everything else on my mind. Then I got to Austin. The infusion of good times, good people, and good food can have an amazingly refreshing effect on me. (Save for the sleeping on the floor part. I don't suggest it post-30th birthday). I won't even get into the details of how MUCH we ate, but I will say that Austin is an amazing place to chow down. And my BFF and I had ourselves an adventure over the course of 4 hazy days.

As fate would have it, one of our friends from high school & college also lives in Austin now. We had ourselves a little reunion of sorts laughing about all the stupid things we did in school. And we dragged his lovely boyfriend along with us, who was quite a trooper with our goofiness. So we sunscreened up and headed out to Austin Pride 2012. And for the first time in what seemed like months I felt at home. There is something about this particular group of people that speaks volumes to me - over and above being proud to be openly gay. These are amazing people. These are MY people. These are human beings who love life and who live it to the fullest - no matter what that means to them. LGBT and everything else in between - everyone accepts you. Everyone loves you for who you are. Everyone just wants you to be WHO YOU ARE. No one cares who you sleep with or that you like to dress up as the opposite sex. No one cares that you're weird or awkward or shy. They want you to know they love you just the way you are.

Of course there are exceptions. Everyone has catty bitch days. (Or lives.) But I'm talking about the feeling that I got there. And it filled me with my own kind of pride - one that I don't tap into nearly enough in my every day life. I shouldn't have to be covered in glitter and rainbows in order to feel happy and at peace with myself. Not once during the day did I worry about how I looked. If anything, I was dressed immensely tamely for that crowd. But I mean more along how I feel about myself - my weight, my self-consciousness in what I present to the world. Maybe it just takes a shock to the system to realize that HEY, I'm not so bad. And I've got an incredibly lucky life right now. I have a job, an apartment, family and friends who love me, and I wont for practically nothing. I have to keep the perspective I've gained here. I have to keep it with me all the time, so that I don't huddle into the darkness that sometimes overwhelms me.

I'm proud of who I am, and all that I've accomplished. I'm proud to be me. Now I just need to let that woman out so that she can meet someone else who can complement my life. Who can bring out that good side in me. I don't know who that will be, or even what gender that person may have. But I know now that I will be comfortable enough with myself to let someone else in. Let the dice fall where they may.

To know that you feel the same as I do Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

Last night I dreamed that someone threw me a very large birthday party, somewhere off the Coast and in this huge wooden area. I ran around climbing trees like a monkey and left my Blackberry up there. Meanwhile, everyone I know (and then some) were wandering around, someone hands me my phone from the tree and I have 30 missed calls from people that can't find the party and need directions. All of those people are "friends" from Facebook that I haven't seen in years. Someone invited the band Incubus to play, so I go over to say hello to the guys and ask them where they're going to setup, etc. We all end up wandering behind the stage and find a large warehouse filled with marshmallows and assorted warehouse equipment. The guys (and their groupies) start chasing each other around driving those pallet movers. Left them there to play and go have a fabulous time in the woods with hundreds of people I don't know. The band comes back just at dawn and says they're sorry they didn't play last night, but they've written a song about me and it will be on their next album.

Boosh.

Grand Total = 4

That would be the number of people in the last week that told me I should be blogging professionally.

You know, because I'm funny.

And why can't I make money doing... that?

Well, I'll tell you why. Yes, YOU. Ok wait, what was I talking about again? Oh right, blogging. It was after number 2 that I remembered I actually HAD a blog. That I hadn't updated in, oh, 2 years or so. (You mean this old thing?) So... yeah. Maybe I should update THAT and start writing! What fun would ensue.

Here's the thing - nearly every time I sit down to write I get nearly panic-ridden and sweaty and I think... I can't actually just SAY what I'm thinking! It has to have MEANING. It has to be PROFOUND. It has to incorporate every aspect of my personality, my verve, my joie de vivre! (Yes, I had to look it up to make sure I spelled it right.) I also had the thought that I'm only funny because of my inflection. Also that I forget half of the funny things I say 5 minutes after I say them. (How many more excuses can I come up with???)

So here I am, and I'm back to this fun little experiment in public/private/persona (ness)? Sure, I'll go with that. I only hope that I can make a few of you laugh in the process. (And forgive me if occasionally I get a little rambunctious, serious, preachy, or deep. Hey, it could happen!)

Who says I can't have red velvet cake for dinner?

I think it's a perfectly acceptable meal. As Bill Cosby said - there's eggs, flour, milk... NUTRITION!

Although I suppose to counter balance that I'll need to eat nothing but veggies tomorrow for the fiber.

Being a grown-up is TOTALLY overrated.

NO means NO

I finally saw people on the street corner by my office with "NO on Prop 8" signs. It gave me chills. (In a good way.)

After 3 weeks of seeing nothing but hatemongering people pretending to be these fake positive citizens with their yellow signs full of lies in this wreck of a conservative mecca, I feel hopeful. I waved, gave two thumbs up, smiled and honked. I felt like I was FINALLY somewhere I could be proud of people. It feels like it's been forever. I need to get out of this town.

Emily, your couch is still available, right?...

Agree with me, ok?

So am I the only one who doesn't appreciate Microsoft products turning my ":)" into an actual right-side-up round circle happy face? I have to hit delete every time so that it goes back to being a nice, normal SIDEWAYS smiley.

This post brought to you by the letter: STFU.

:)