Pride.

With all of the s%&# going on lately, I have been wondering what I would do with myself once I actually got to my vacation. Work has been beyond hectic, and just before I left for Texas, my dad went into the hospital. I had done nothing but worry for days and days about not only what was happening to my dad 3,000+ miles away, but also what was going to be waiting for me at work after a week away. I've been overwhelmed for months and the workload just does not change. So I didn't know if I'd ever get to any real relaxation on this week off with everything else on my mind. Then I got to Austin. The infusion of good times, good people, and good food can have an amazingly refreshing effect on me. (Save for the sleeping on the floor part. I don't suggest it post-30th birthday). I won't even get into the details of how MUCH we ate, but I will say that Austin is an amazing place to chow down. And my BFF and I had ourselves an adventure over the course of 4 hazy days.

As fate would have it, one of our friends from high school & college also lives in Austin now. We had ourselves a little reunion of sorts laughing about all the stupid things we did in school. And we dragged his lovely boyfriend along with us, who was quite a trooper with our goofiness. So we sunscreened up and headed out to Austin Pride 2012. And for the first time in what seemed like months I felt at home. There is something about this particular group of people that speaks volumes to me - over and above being proud to be openly gay. These are amazing people. These are MY people. These are human beings who love life and who live it to the fullest - no matter what that means to them. LGBT and everything else in between - everyone accepts you. Everyone loves you for who you are. Everyone just wants you to be WHO YOU ARE. No one cares who you sleep with or that you like to dress up as the opposite sex. No one cares that you're weird or awkward or shy. They want you to know they love you just the way you are.

Of course there are exceptions. Everyone has catty bitch days. (Or lives.) But I'm talking about the feeling that I got there. And it filled me with my own kind of pride - one that I don't tap into nearly enough in my every day life. I shouldn't have to be covered in glitter and rainbows in order to feel happy and at peace with myself. Not once during the day did I worry about how I looked. If anything, I was dressed immensely tamely for that crowd. But I mean more along how I feel about myself - my weight, my self-consciousness in what I present to the world. Maybe it just takes a shock to the system to realize that HEY, I'm not so bad. And I've got an incredibly lucky life right now. I have a job, an apartment, family and friends who love me, and I wont for practically nothing. I have to keep the perspective I've gained here. I have to keep it with me all the time, so that I don't huddle into the darkness that sometimes overwhelms me.

I'm proud of who I am, and all that I've accomplished. I'm proud to be me. Now I just need to let that woman out so that she can meet someone else who can complement my life. Who can bring out that good side in me. I don't know who that will be, or even what gender that person may have. But I know now that I will be comfortable enough with myself to let someone else in. Let the dice fall where they may.